I have sat down to write this post so many times in the last few weeks, and every time I end up walking away too heartbroken to complete it. I am feeling so much, questioning so much, and grieving so deeply, that I just can't seem to get out what I want to say. I can't figure out the words that best describe how I am feeling, how our family is coping, and how life has changed. Loosing Don has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I have continually struggled with trying to understand something that I know I cannot understand, and yet that doesn't keep me from questioning God. I can't help but ask him what purpose could be good enough to take a man we loved so much and meant so much to all of us. I still get nauseous when I think about that day, when I allow myself to recognize that our life has forever changed, and that he really is gone, that we really do have to figure out how to live without him. I think that's why I haven't been able to complete this post, when I sit down to write I am accepting that this is all real and I become too emotional to write, too emotional to think, and too emotional to deal with life, so I have put it off.
I feel like we are living in this strange fog, most of the time we are going through the motions of life and just putting one foot in front of the other. Nothing is clear, we are just surviving, like we are numb to what is going on around us, and then all of a sudden reality hits. For me when this happens I am reduced to this mess that can't cope with even the smallest details in life, instead the littlest thing can cause uncontrolled crying. This week has been the hardest since the week immediately following the accident. I have struggled with my emotions and have found that I am again not sleeping. There are certain times that seem to be the most difficult for me, when I am driving is one, and at night after everyone is asleep is another. These are times where I find that my mind can't be kept busy by whatever else is going on in life and it tends to think about Don, who he was, why it happened, how it happened, what we are loosing, etc. These moments have also given me lots of opportunity to cry out to God. When I can't sleep I tend to spend the hours crying and praying, sometimes yelling at God, sometimes praising him for what we had but in these moments God has proven faithful, and I know that he is near me. Michael and I have talked a lot about whether we are feeling close to God right now, and both of us have said that we aren't "feeling" him near as much as we "know" he is there. I know who I am, and I know how I would be managing this on my own, and I know that it is only by the grace of God that I have been able to cope with life right now, even if it is by living in a fog. I am also able to see God's love for us in the little things that happened prior to the accident which, in hind sight, were little blessings to make this time a little less painful, and a little more bearable, perhaps I will have the energy to write a blog about how I have been able to see God working leading up to this tragedy but for now I will leave it.
Life was so sweet before, I would even go as far as to say it was perfect. Obviously I know that it wasn't perfect, that it never will be on this earth, but I really do believe we had life as good as it could get. When we looked at our life we had it all, we were content, we were happy. I clearly remember telling Michael this June that I was so happy I wouldn't want any other life then the one we had. Approximately a week before this all happened we had just gotten back from camping and I said to Michael "we are so blessed, I am so happy it almost scares me because I think that we have it all, life is too good, what is going to happen to change that?" and all of a sudden just as I feared our whole world changed. Nothing in our life is the same right now. Every aspect of our day to day life has been affected by this, who we are, where we live, where Michael works, everything, nothing is the same as it used to be. Everything about our life at this moment is tainted with sadness, bringing the puppy home made me cry because I knew Don would get a kick out of her being a little black Vetta, and Cheyanne learning to ride her bike made me cry because I could just hear him getting excited for her and see him giving her a big hug and making a really big deal about it. All the little joys in life that were so fun to share with him are hard to handle right now, especially when it comes to the kids. No one was more fun to tell a funny story to or hear a funny story from, then Don was! I keep trying to figure out what our life will look like in the future and I just can't see it, it is almost as if my brain will not allow me to accept that this will be forever. I keep wanting to wake up and find out that it is all a horrible nightmare but it's not and every morning when the alarm goes off at 4am, Don's shift, the reality washes over me again, so strongly that it is almost suffocating.
Both Micahel and I have been angry with God, and jealous of him. Many times Micahel has said "it's not fair, why does God get him and we don't?" I can't help but agree, how can God justify taking him from us, we needed him so much more than God does. In these moments, as the hot tears roll down my face and I sit there screaming at God for what he has done to me, to us, to my kids, I often get a picture in my mind. I just see a girl who is so mad at her dad, she is yelling and crying, saying things that she doesn't mean and he puts his arms around her, and holds her so tight that even though she is struggling to get out of his strong embrace she can't, and she eventually just gives in and cries uncontrollably while he holds her and strokes her hair. Isn't it beautiful, unconditional love? I am so thankful that I have a God who can handle my anger and who will bring me through it. He doesn't turn his back on me and wash his hands of me because I yell at him and tell him he doesn't know what he is doing, or that his plan sucks, instead just like a loving father of an irrational teenage daughter, he hangs in there and waits, holding me until I finally rest in him, allowing him to comfort me, knowing the truth, trusting who he is, and that through this pain his plans for me are good (Jeremiah 29:11).
One of things that hurts the most is that he won't be around for my kids. I fully pictured him there watching my kids grow up, attending my kids' weddings, and holding his great grandchildren just as proudly as he held each one of my kids. I am so sad for what my children are loosing, they now have one less person praying for them, one less spiritual leader in their lives, and one less grandfather to spend time with. I so admired who he was and the priority he placed on his family. For me Don was a spiritual role model, and I counted on him to pass that legacy on to my kids, not in a formal lesson kind of way, but through the opportunity they would have to watch him live. I know of course that as parents, this is our job, but I also know how important grandparents are in their kids' lives, and I knew that when my kids watched Don live they would learn so much, just as his kids did. I mourn the relationship that my kids have lost as much as I mourn the relationship that I have lost. I am thankful to an Aunt who reminded me that my kids will continue to be blessed by who Don was even though he is gone now, because so much of who he was, is a part of who Michael is, and that because Don was a great man and a great father so is Micahel. The kids loved playing with him so much and going to the barn to visit grandpa was always a highlight! Some of my favourite and most painful memories are of the girls wandering the farm with him feeding calves. He always let them take turns putting the medicine in the calf bottles and they would hold his hand as they walked with the bottles to the calves. He also made sure that there were little cups in the barn to give the girls a drink of milk when they came down to help. He was such a good grandpa, I cry every time I think about how great he was. I loved how when we went for lunch he would read to the girls and they would all look like they were ready to fall asleep, grandpa too, sometimes he would read himself to sleep and he'd have to stop and take a nap or go fill his coffee cup so that he could finish. He was always so excited to see them, always ready to listen to their stories or come to one of their events. I loved how his voice would get high when he said hello to them and he'd bend over and pick them up, give them a hug and just hold them, enjoying them. I still hear him greeting the kids as if they were the most precious people he knew. I really can't say enough what a great grandpa he was, and how much it hurts me when I think about my kids loosing the chance to continue that relationship with him.
My last time seeing Don is a memory that moves me to tears every time I picture it. It had been Bella's turn to spend the afternoon all by herself with Bev (this is something all my kids look forward to) and Don brought her home in the mule and I was outside starting the BBQ. She was so excited to tell me everything that she had for snack, and I can just see Don standing there beside the mule, his head slightly to the side smiling at her as she just babbled away at all she had done. We looked at each other, smiled, I said thanks and he smiled and we said see you later. If I had known that was our last time to see each other, that this would be his final moment with my kids, oh the things I would like to have said, done, etc. I know this isn't a healthy way to think, but I find it so easy to get caught up in the regrets, and in the guilt. I regret not spending more time at the barn this past year as I was working and life got busier, I am sad that Mason never had the chance to walk along beside Grandpa and feed calves, and that I never got to tell him just how important he was to me. I thank God daily that we had such a wonderful relationship because, inspite of that relationship I still have regrets and guilt, I don't know how I would be coping with that if things had been different, if we hadn't gotten along or made sure our relationships were strong. Michael and I have both talked about how we don't think that we could live with the guilt we would feel if we had not had such a wonderful relationship with Don. I know Don valued our relationship as much as we valued his, and this isn't the case with all relationships, but we are responsible for our part in every relationship and I truly advise everyone to evaluate your relationships are they what you want them to be? It only takes a moment and you may not have the chance to change them. So many people make excuses for why they don't have healthy relationships and usually it is the other person's fault, but you are responsible for your part in that relationship and if you look at it honestly, can you truly say you have done all you can to mend it? What is your attitude to that person, what do you say behind their back, can you love them even when they aren't lovable? "Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other" Romans 12:9-10. Take the time to make sure your relationships are in order, you don't want to live the rest of your life with guilt and regret because you were to proud to humble yourself and admit that you just might be a part of the problem too.
I loved Don so much, writing this has again brought me to that place of uncontrolled sorrow, it's been emotionally exhausting, but it is also healing. I know he's in a better place, I am not sad for him, he gets to be where life is perfect where there's no pain or suffering, where he gets to see the full glory of God. But I am sad for us, I am a little bitter, and as I mentioned before, a little jealous. For our family, we have lost a man who loved us, prayed for us, and passed on his spiritual legacy to us, for our church, we have lost a leader, a servant, and a friend, for our community, we have lost a man of integrity, who truly lived what he believed, a man who earned everyone's respect, and who made an impact on those around him. Walking through this has given me a new appreciation for Heaven, and I can honestly say that this is the first time where I have truly understood the desire for Heaven. Prior to this I believed Heaven was a great place, I knew that ultimately that was where I wanted to be, but like Kenny Chesney's song says, "everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to go now." I didn't have an understanding of that true desire, but I get it now, not in the deep depression kind of way but in a peaceful kind of way, where I no longer fear that the day will come before I want it to kind of way, if that makes any sense at all. Michael has said so many times over the past few weeks, "I can't believe I have to die to see him again" and there is that little part of you that looks forward to that day where we will be reunited again. I am so thankful for the hope I have in Jesus that we will see him again!
A few months ago the song "Blessings" by Laura Story came into my life. I immediately loved the song, I could think of so many people who needed to dwell on the message of that song, and even persuaded Michael to sing it as a special number in church. I had mentioned to Michael that I didn't understand why this song meant so much to me when there weren't really any great difficulties in my life, but I truly believe that God knew it was a song that I would need in a time such as this. The day Don died I was about to get in my car to go down to the house and I saw Michael in the field and decided I would wait five minutes and then head out, when I got into the car after those five minutes the song was just beginning to play and I burst into tears knowing God was reaching out to me in this terrible time, even though I didn't really want to believe the message he was telling me at that moment. I want to include the song for anyone who hasn't heard it, I hope it touches you the way that it has touched me!
This song reminds me that even though the pain feels unbearable, even though we can't understand how, or why, we know that God is working in us and through the pain he is working for good. "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purposes for them." Romans 8:28
As painful as it is to look at pictures of Don right now, I know that these photos have become even more precious to us all then we ever imagined that they could be.
Don and Mason hanging out at Bella and Dex's
birthday party.
my favourite picture we have of Don and the girls
he was never too busy to play while he worked!
first time holding Mason, I loved how excited Don
was for each one of our babies, I am pretty sure we could have
just kept having kids and he would never get less excited to meet them
cheyanne's 4th birthday
this is Cheyanne's favourite picture of her and grandpa, when I told her that
grandpa had died she spent the afternoon going through our photo albums and when she was done she
wanted to make sure I knew that this was her favourite picture, she said they were having fun!
last year's corn harvest, I hadn't brought my camera since the year Cheyanne
was born, so thankfult now that last year was the year I decided to bring it again,
a small blessing in a time like this!
meeting Bella for the first time, such Joy in his face!
Grandpa and Cheyanne, she is lucky to be the one we have the
most pictures of with Grandpa.
Emmersen loved to read with Grandpa, she always had a
stack of books picked out for him to read to her when we went over for lunch
more reading!
This past Christmas, Grandpa and the kids hanging our on the couch
Cheyanne's first corn silage experience!
four generations during corn silage.
meeting Cheyanne for the first time, I will never forget how excited
he was when we told him he was going to be a grandpa for the first time!
my university graduation, I loved how I was always made to feel just
as important to them as their own children, and how they were so happy for me
when I got my degree, and how much they wanted to share it with me!
at Renee and Daniel's wedding holding Cheyanne
and standing with the flower girls
meeting Emmersen for the first time
I love this picture! Don and my Dad cut the beef and served the
guests at our wedding, it was one of my favourite things about our wedding
Emmersen's first birthday, Cheyanne got grandpa to wear the crown.
Don was always willing to be sillly with the kids
He was always up for fun, especially if it would make the kids laugh!
this is from Danelle's wedding
our family photo at Jessica's wedding
Christmas in Abbotsford at Aunty Marie and Uncle Andrew's
Don got so excited with the kids when they dressed up for halloween,
this was Cheyanne's first time trick or treating.
this is at my university graduation, Don was a blessing in my family's life
and I appreciate the friendship he had with my parents and my siblings
another favourite pic from our wedding
This is the day I officially became a part of this amazing family, 10 years ago this Friday.
I always felt Don's love for me even before we were officially married and it was neat to see how
our families blended and mixed so well that we could share Christmases and birthdays together!
I want to start by thanking all who have come around me and offered me their prayer, help, and support. It has been a blessing to me and my family to see how much the community loved my dad and wants to help our family. It has been a relief to know that people are willing to share our burden in this overwhelming time. I really can’t tell you how much it means, THANK YOU!
Dad,,, that’s a word I am going to miss saying! It’s hard to know where to start when talking about such a great man so I am going to start with a proverb that speaks to who he was “The godly walk with integrity; blessed are their children who follow them.” We as children are truly blessed to have his example to follow.
I am so proud that I get to tell you about my dad, you all know he was an amazing man, but he was also an incredible father and husband. Dad was a great role model; he showed me what it means to be a spiritual leader to my family and community. He loved life and lived passionately for Christ. His servant heart meant that he was always willing to help others, whether it was family, friends, or his community. Dad was very generous, both with his time and his possessions. Because God was the center of his life, he didn’t worry about the details, but was instead content and never wanted for more. Dad was a very gentle and patient man, this was most evident to me as I learned the ropes of the farm, he would make light of even my big mistakes, and use them as a teaching tool, rather than use them to put me in my place.
Growing up I have so many wonderful memories of Dad. One that stands out to me the most is fishing with him. This is something we did regularly, and even last year I was able to teach him how to catch his first salmon. As a kid when I would fish with dad I would often nod off in the boat and dad would watch and wait for just the right moment wail on my line, startling me awake thinking I had a fish on. I’d jump up ready to reel in my catch and see dad looking at me with a big grin and a mischievieous twinkle in his eye.
Anyone who knew dad will agree with me when I tell you what an extraordinary story teller he was. He would begin telling his story and as the story built, so would dad’s voice, his hands would start waving, and most of the time the story would end with dad near yelling from excitement and a big laugh.
Being on the farm growing up was a remarkable experience for me, and I relived many memories as I watched my kids wander the farm with dad. They would walk to the barns with Shawna and run to grandpa as soon as they spotted him. The girls would help him with calves by carrying a bottle, collecting empties and fighting over whose turn it was to put the medicine in. Dad began a tradition of using little paper cups to give the girls milk straight from the tank. When the supplier stopped carrying the cups dad made a point of buying tiny Dixie cups just so that the he could give the girls their glass of milk. The kids got so excited to go to the barn and get a treat, which was really just a granola bar, and a glass of milk that the tradition spilled over to their cousins, and they would all look forward visiting grandpa Haak and getting their glass of milk for free!
Working full time on the farm I was able to learn a lot from my dad through watching him. He lived what he believed, instead of just telling me what was right. I am proud to say that Dad made farming fun, without him it won’t be the same. I am going to miss him just being around the farm yard. Everyone loved working for my dad. Dad and I had such a good working relationship. In all our years of working together we never had a fight that resulted in us hurting one another or holding a grudge. Sure we argued about stupid little things, but it always ended positively. Farm business stayed at the farm and issues were always resolved in the moment so that it didn’t wreck family relationships. The most important lesson dad taught me as we worked together was that family always comes first! An example of this is that during cropping, which can be one of the most stressful times on a farm, dad, grandpa, and I would take a lunch break and we, Mom, Shawna, and the kids would all get together for a meal and fellowship with one another. These are some of my most memorable times working on the farm.
For us farming wasn’t just about the business, it was about being given the opportunity to hang out with each other every day. How many people get that chance? We didn’t have the kind of working relationship where we each had our own projects that we worked on separately, instead we worked together to get things done and then moved on to the next thing. I would walk into the barn in the morning and he’d always be there to greet me with his big smile, and we’d talk about the Canucks or I’d tell him a story about the kids and he’d laugh with that big high pitched laugh of his, then we would talk about what needed to get done that day, what our schedules looked like, and our dreams for the farm. I still remember the morning after the Canucks lost game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs, no words were spoken, we just looked at each other and shook our heads. I loved going to work every day with him and wanted to work for him forever. I can still smell his morning coffee in the barn, hear his high-pitched voice yelling at the cows, and picture him walking around the farm yard in his goofy hat and blue north view farms shirt.
I want to conclude with a challenge to all the father’s and their children, especially those farming and in business together. I challenge you to learn from my dad, and make the choice to focus on relationship. Children, hug your dads, respect them, learn from them, and dads, make sure your children know family comes first, lead them with integrity, and tell them that you are proud of them.
I am so very blessed to have had a father who exemplified these characteristics, who sought God above all else, and who showed me how to be a man, husband, and father, by watching him live what he said he believed. I am thankful this was a challenge my dad succeeded in and now I have the opportunity to pass these lessons on to my kids. I find peace in knowing he is in heaven with his creator, and that I will see him again one day. During the last few days the Lord has brought me comfort by directing me to these verses: “That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” 2Corinthians 4:16-18
I sure have big shoes to fill, I’m gonna miss him!
