Bella is always our little girl with big questions. She is always trying to understand concepts that seem too big for a little four year old mind. From trying to understand where the sun goes at night and how one side can be dark while the other is light, to what Heaven will be like and how we get there. She has always asked the big questions, she has always persisted in trying to understand that which seems too complicated, and yet when her little four year old mind understands, and she speaks of a big concept she shows us how simple it really can be. How we can complicate things and make them difficult, how we can take a simple message of GRACE, HOPE and LOVE and turn it into what sounds like an unattractive waste of breath that spends more time arguing over doctrine then loving those who are hurting. Looking at life through the eyes of a child, it shifts our perspective, it can be convicting, but it truly is a blessing!
This post is actually long over due, Bella and I had this particular conversation on September 1st, after which I quickly scrawled our conversation down in my journal so that I wouldn't forget, so that I could record this memory.
This precious conversation all began when I had to come to Bella and ask forgiveness. It had been a long day, I was tired, getting the kids ready for bed was all I could do. I was short and grumpy with the kids and was trying to rush them into bed. In response to my frustration Bella began to wine and cry words that were undecipherable to me, and I was done, in frustration I yelled at her that I couldn't understand her, and that she better start listening and get to bed, or else.. This was true, she had disobeyed me, but me, I had lost self control and sinned against Bella, I had been harsh on her tender little spirit. Instantly I knew I was wrong, instantly I got that sick feeling in my stomach, knowing that I had hurt her and that in my selfishness I had allowed myself to vent on her. I knew that I needed to talk with her, so I finished brushing Mason's teeth and got him into bed, then went to tuck the girls in. As I sat on her bed I just looked at her big blue eyes and told her that we needed to talk, this was like music to her ears as she perked up and smiled. She absolutely loves a chance to talk with someone one on one. I told her that I was sorry for yelling at her and that I had been wrong to do so, and I asked for her forgiveness, told her that I loved her and that she was special. Her response was I love you mom, you are the best mom ever! (Talk about being humbled when I felt so undeserving of her compliment, how I wish I had the kind of grace for others that she has for me). As our conversation came to an end I could tell that Bella wasn't ready to be done chatting just yet.
She looked at me and said, "Mom, Cheyanne says that I am not a Christian." It took me a bit off guard, I wasn't exactly sure where to go with the statement. So I asked Cheyanne why she had said this and Cheyanne told me that it was because Bella had said mean/bad things to her. This led into an opportunity to have a brief conversation with Cheyanne about grace, and how as Christians we are a part of God's family and when we sin his love for us doesn't change, we don't all of a sudden stop belonging to that family, we still need to confess to God and try and do better, but his love for us is still the same. How thankful I am for this grace, a gift that I need daily. His grace is so much bigger then us, again I was humbled as I thought of how I had allowed my selfishness to dictate my behaviour that night, how if God's grace weren't what it is I too couldn't be a Christian, as Cheyanne had said, but this is not God's way, God's way is a way of love, it's a gift "for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Getting back to Bella, I then asked her if she knew what it meant to be a Christian. We discussed how much God loves us and how he wants to forgive us, how he sent his son to be our saviour, and how he wants us to love him and to follow his plan for our lives. To trust in what he is doing even when it's hard to understand, and to choose to follow him. To accept his gift of love and forgiveness, to believe and to have faith and to give thanks, praising him in all things. That's it, that is what he asks of us. It really is simple, we just find ways to complicate it. We seem to need to take this gift of LOVE and GRACE and turn it into a list of rules, a list of dos and don'ts, a list telling us what good Christians look like and how we must behave, and yet it is as simple as giving thanks and walking in faith. I am so thankful for such a loving God, for grace, and all that he has blessed us with, even though life has been hard and I wouldn't ask to go through anything like it again, I can give thanks for what I have learned through the hard times, what he has revealed to me about myself, and the changes he has made.
I asked Bella what she thought about what I had said, and if she wanted to trust God if she wanted to pray and ask God to guide her life and to forgive her. She began to pray "Thank you Jesus that we had a good day and that Taylor and Sidney could babysit. Help us to have no bad dreams or bad thoughts or no spiders and bugs in our room. I ask Jesus forgive my sins, guide my path, and live in my heart. AMEN" it was such a cute little heartfelt prayer, one that was very typical of how she prays daily, and yet it totally melted my heart. I prayed a blessing over her as we ended our conversation, asking God to help her as she chooses to follow Christ as she gets older, and our conversation was done. We said goodnight, and I walked out praising God that he had given me this opportunity to have a conversation with so much meaning on a day when I had felt like such a failure as a mother. I am so thankful that my God is bigger then me, that he can use my mistakes, and even my sins, for his glory, to spark conversations with eternal consequences. God is GOOD!
