Discouraged

Lately I have been feeling discouraged, frustrated with where I am at emotionally and spiritually, and confused as to why I feel like I am sliding backwards instead of taking steps towards healing. Six months have now passed and the pain is as intense now as it has ever been. I still haven't been able to make it through a church service without crying, and when I have moments to myself I am brought to tears by the memories and the questions. Driving is one of the times that I seem to slip into these moments the worst. I don't know why it is a trigger for me, but for some reason when I am driving I think about Don the most, and I cry. I so miss his laugh and his stories, I miss him playing with my kids, and wandering the barn yard with us. I miss conversations over coffee at lunch, telling him how much Mason loves our John Deer coffee table book and hearing him laugh about Mason's obsession for the farm. It just seems to wash over me in great waves and I can't help mourning all that we are missing out on by not having him in our lives. Flashbacks to that day have also been haunting me, suffocating me with their intensity, and anxiety can begin to take hold. I don't know what triggers them and they always seem to come unexpectedly quickly ruining a night's sleep or the joy of a sunny afternoon.

In all of this I still know that God is good, I still know that he loves me beyond comprehension, and I know that he is working all things out for the good of those who love him. It is hard but I am clinging to the promise that "These trials will show that [my] faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though [my] faith is far more precious then mere gold. So when [my] faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring [me] much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1Peter 1:7 

The other morning I decided to stay in my room before getting up to give the kids breakfast. I could hear them playing in their room but just felt mopey and like I wasn't prepared to deal with all the demands that were going to hit me as soon as they knew I was awake. I wanted to hide out for a little while. I was contemplating discouragement, wondering why God was so silent and why He chose this for our lives. I was frustrated and angry with Him, but wanting to draw near to Him all at the same time, longing to feel the intimacy of deep communion with God. I opened my bible and read a bit in Jeremiah and I still wasn't feeling like I had connected with Him (not the best book of the bible for discouragement, but it has its little nuggets in there when you look hard enough), and so I switched over to the Psalms, and just so happened to be at Psalm 42, and I felt it, He was meeting with me, He was soothing my soul. The words of this Psalm became my prayer, and I was moved by how God took a Psalm that has always made me think of Don's mom (and now they are rejoicing together), because I was told of her love for the song As the Deer, and He chose for me to read it at this time, that it could become the cry of my heart.

   

¹ As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
² I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him? ³ Day and night I have only tears for food,
while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
“Where is this God of yours?”

⁴ My heart is breaking
as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
amid the sound of a great celebration!

⁵ Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and ⁶ my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,
but I will remember you— even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
from the land of Mount Mizar.
⁷ I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
⁸ But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.

⁹ “O God my rock,” I cry,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?”
¹⁰ Their taunts break my bones.
They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”

¹¹ Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!

And so I can truly say God is good. He knew my heart was discouraged, that I had been contemplating it as the sixth month had approached,  and He pointed me to read this Psalm in a version that specifically used the word "discouraged" so that I could not ignore his voice, or miss his love for me. It was obvious that he was speaking to me.

I still feel discouraged, I still feel frustrated, but I have chosen to repeat the psalmist's cry "Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!" and I will continually remind myself that "[I] love him even though [I] have never seen him. Though [I] do not see him now, [I] trust him; and [I] rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of [my] soul." 1Peter 1:8-9.

It is amazing how a moment of praise, of true thanksgiving, of repeating scripture to your heart can turn a discouraged soul to one that experiences true JOY, the kind of JOY that can only come from the Lord. It is a living example of how "Eucharisteo precedes the miracle"  Ann Voskamp